


"last night i dreamt, that somebody loved me,"

by zacefronspants



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Crack?, F/M, I am so sorry, Internalized Homophobia, JUST, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, So much angst, and mentions of sexual acts, and the orginal prompt wasnt even angsty, i dunno, i mean this is literally all fucking angst, its funny at the end????, kind of, like once i typed his name, mentions of - Freeform, sort of, that is the only time he is mentioned, tony stark - Freeform, uh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 14:36:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4183536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zacefronspants/pseuds/zacefronspants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky finds himself in some dirty alleyway with some scrawny blond boy on his knees and choking on Bucky’s cock and Bucky keeps seeing Steve’s lips stretched around the base and lips covered in spit and colored cherry red and it makes him feel dirty.</p>
<p>or the original prompt of, "bucky sings dinosaur by ke$ha to make steve mad" but with more angst because i suck so bad</p>
            </blockquote>





	"last night i dreamt, that somebody loved me,"

**Author's Note:**

> the title has something to do with the story
> 
> it's from The Smiths
> 
> and a huge thank you to my frienda hungerofhades and itsirwins for cheering me on and helping me with the last bit of this 
> 
> a huge shout out to riley for prompting me and being so patient with me while i wrote this

Bucky is sixteen and fighting the urge to look at Steve’s mouth whenever he’s talking and tries to remind himself that there’s a pretty dame in their science class with eyes as shiny as Steve’s lips when he licks them. Bucky tries, oh how he tries, to stop himself from liking Steve, and opts for asking Mary Sue, a girl from their homeroom with a high ponytail with a lilac ribbon tried around the hair elastic, to the movies. Bucky ends up with her in an alley way, his hands under her skirt and two fingers buried deep inside her wet cunt as she comes around his fingers. Bucky walks her home and kisses her goodnight, like a gentleman should do, and goes to find Steve because it’s still light out and a part of him feels _guilty._

Steve’s sitting on the front stoop of his apartment, sketching furiously and it makes Bucky’s chest tighten because Steve always looks beautiful when he’s sketching. Steve’s bottom lip is worn white from the pressure he’s put on it with his teeth and his hair is in a messy heap on his fore head and Jesus Bucky wants to kiss him so bad. Bucky always watches Steve longer than everyone else because the moment Bucky looks away Steve will have his face bloodied or he’s hunched over gasping to breathe and it horrifies Bucky. Bucky slows his walk down and just watches him and the way the sun hits his skin and makes him _fucking glow_ and Bucky falls a little more in love with him. “Hey punk,” Bucky says so softly that it’s almost inaudible, but Steve hears him, he always hears him.

Steve looks at him with such fondness that Bucky almost starts crying because his fingers smell like cunt and woman’s shower products and it’s making him sick. Bucky sits next to him on the stoop and leans his head to look at the sketch on the cream colored paper, his hand resting on Steve’s shoulder.

“She taste as sweet as she smells?” Steve asks after a few minutes and Bucky feels his jaw tighten as he retracts his hand and slips it into the pocket of his slacks. “Because she must have if you can’t wash your fucking hands.” Steve says, and he’s not angry, or jealous. Bucky can feel the underlying sadness in his voice and it makes him angry at himself. Bucky tries to apologize to him but all he says instead is, “Yes.” And that’s when Steve tells him to leave, and he does.

It’s weeks later when Bucky pulls Steve off of someone and tells him to stop being a punk that Steve punches him and Bucky just lets him do it, asking softly, “Want me to clean your face up?”

* * *

 

Bucky is twenty-four when his name is drafted and he has to leave for training and he feels _horrified._ Pieces of him know he had no control over it and chunks of his body feel slightly less warm because this means _no more sharing a bed with Steve when it’s too cold_ and Bucky isn’t sure he can handle it. Bucky knows it’s silly because they’ve never explicitly spoken about how Steve will just tug on his sweater before bed and say, “S’cold, can we share?” or about how Bucky just smiles and nods. They’re not together, romantically, but in every other sense, they’re together. Bucky decides to just tell Steve he enlisted, hoping that maybe that’ll lessen the blow a little bit more than telling him he was drafted.

Bucky finds himself in some dirty alleyway with some scrawny blond boy on his knees and choking on Bucky’s cock and Bucky keeps seeing Steve’s lips stretched around the base and lips covered in spit and colored cherry red and it makes him feel _dirty_. Bucky tightens his hand in the man’s hair and comes with Steve’s name on his tongue, and he doesn’t care to return the favor after he cleans himself and the other man up and walks off, whisky heavy on his clothes. Bucky is standing in the doorway of their shared apartment, staring at Steve crumpled up on the couch, charcoal all over his face and hands with an unfinished drawing in his lap and Bucky fucking dies a little inside. Bucky covers his face and walks over towards him, picking him up and startling when Steve says, “S’cold and m’so tired, can we please share tonight?” so Bucky just kisses his forehead and puts him in his bed, crawling in next to him.

It’s twelve in the afternoon when Bucky says, “I enlisted and I leave in two weeks.” The next day when Steve is talking about their neighbor Mrs. Hollumsworth, and he can feel the anger and sadness radiating throughout the room.  Steve stands and doesn’t bother looking at Bucky before he leaves the apartment, coat hanging off of his dirty fingers.

Bucky waits until the sun is gone and the moon is hanging in the sky for Steve to come home, and as it nears midnight he starts to head to bed with half a bottle of bourbon filling his stomach. Bucky wonders, through the blurry spots, if Steve is at his ma’s or if he’s with that nice girl he met in the bookstore he works in and it makes him sick.  

Steve comes home when the sun has made the world orange, a sad smile on his face as he helped Bucky through his hangover, whispering, “I got you Buck. S’gonna be alright,” and Bucky almost tells him he loves him.

* * *

 

Bucky is twenty-seven and still trying to grasp onto his memories of Steve and life before he became a _monster._ There are chunks of a smiling blond boy with eyes so blue the sky looks grey and hands always blackened with charcoal. But this man, the one whose face resembled the Steve from his memories, knows him, called him _Bucky._ This man calls out to him, and for a moment, though brief, he can feel a response fighting up his throat, but all that comes out is, “Who are you?” and then his mind is screaming at him that he knows this man and that his man knows him, has known him since they were seven and looking for worms.

But this man looks nothing like the knobby kneed Steve in his fragmented memory and Bucky almost feels guilt eating at him when he sees the look of sadness cross over a grime covered face. Bucky runs away from him, mentally berating himself for being so cowardice and pathetic because, _he knows that man._ Bucky runs until he collapses in an alley way, lungs burning every time he so much as breathes too deeply. Bucky lets himself walk back to where his safe house is, gentle memories of a little blond man yelling at him for coming home late smelling like, “That ol’ whorehosue downtown, you know those places are filthy Buck,” ring in his ears until he collapses in the entry way.

It’s days later when he sees the man, _Steve,_ in public, the urge to cup his face and stroke his cheeks heavy in his fingertips. It’s foreign, the feeling of longing in his system for another person, Bucky’s not used to it, or, he thinks he’s not. Bucky watches him interact with a red headed woman, envy pulsing through his body when he sees a small smile grace dusty pink lips.

Before he can stop himself, Bucky is walking over towards them and asking, “Who are you? I know I know you,” that he sees a small ounce of hope flicker on the man’s face and a soft, “I’m Steve,” and Bucky knows, somewhere deep in the recesses of his mind, he knows this ‘new’ Steve and the ‘old’ Steve are the same person.

Steve smiles gently at him and says, “I’m with you ‘til the end of the line,” and Bucky just nods at him, swallowing down a thousand apologies.

* * *

 

Bucky doesn’t know where he got the habit of humming under his breath got started, he just noticed it happened when he made Steve angry and thought it rude to laugh. Bucky likes to see Steve get even redder in the face because, “Bucky you cut out stars where my nipples go, c’mon man,” and it makes him _laugh._

Parts of Bucky knows that his off-tune humming only upsets Steve further but it’s just _so fucking fun._ Bucky will usually stop when Steve threatens to stop having sex with him, usually. Bucky will sometimes kiss Steve’s cheeks and whisper, “C’mere doll, you’re so pretty when you’re all flushed, lemme see how far it goes,” and Steve will melt and Bucky can fuck him into next week, but sometimes he just hums an annoying tune Natasha and Tony taught him to make Steve angrier.

It’s Friday when Bucky starts to sing, “ _You’re just an old man_ ,” out loud after he painted splotchy flowers on Steve’s shield that Steve catches onto what he’s been singing. At first, it’s kind of funny, that Bucky would even know that song and then it’s annoying again because Bucky knows the song. Bucky stops humming and singing it for a while, much to Steve’s relief, until Bucky makes it his ringtone. It gets worse when everyone starts calling Steve a dinosaur because, “It’s fucking funny to see you get mad, Cap.” And Steve blames Bucky, and well, he’s not wrong.

It turns into a game to all of them, except Steve. Bucky was the first to suggest they all sing it out loud randomly to see how mad Steve will get, and they all agree, much to Steve’s dismay. It takes a turn, though, when Steve joins in and looks at only Bucky when he sings, “ _You need a cat scan,_ ” and Bucky almost regrets the idea, almost.

It’s on a Wednesday in July when Steve actually yells at him to stop singing the stupid song, and it makes Bucky blanch for a moment before he says, “Sorry Stevie, thought it was kind of funny baby doll,” and sees Steve’s expression soften into something he remembers from the thirties when he says, “S’okay Buck, just got tired of it s’all,” and Bucky just smiles and kisses him on the mouth.

Bucky rubs his metal thumb against the apple of Steve’s cheek and smiles at him, kissing his nose and saying, “I love you,” smiling largely when a soft, “I love you, too,” is whispered into his mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me on tumblr @ dxrtysoul!
> 
> or to be my friend
> 
> or to request something


End file.
